The Totally Scientific Garden Type Test™
(100% accurate. Zero judgment. Okay, some judgment.)

I was at a meeting a while back with some of my fellow master gardeners and chuckled to myself. These people have such unique garden personalities. And as every garden tells a story—but what does yours say about you? Are you the compost whisperer, the zucchini vigilante, or the one who alphabetizes their seed trays?

Introducing the Totally Scientific Garden Type Test™ — a completely fake but uncannily accurate way to uncover your true garden personality. Let’s meet the types.

🧼 1. The Pristine Perfectionist
Latin Name: Weedus Immaculatus
Your soil is smoother than your countertops. You don’t just weed—you exorcise dandelions. Your tools gleam like surgical instruments. Your compost pile has never dared smell bad. Your garden apron has creases and is ironed. Visitors often wonder if it’s real or AI.
Garden Vibe – A Zen paradise. Not a petal out of place.
Secret Weapon – Stainless steel everything.
Likely To Say – “Please take your shoes off before entering the mulch.”

🪴 2. The Hoarder
Latin Name: Seedus Excessivus
Your seed stash requires fire insurance. You have 14 bags of expired lettuce seed, 6 kinds of trowels, and an emotional attachment to each one. You rescue dying plants from the clearance shelf like a botanical paramedic.
Garden Vibe – Overflowing, glorious, slightly stressful.
Secret Weapon – A garage that’s 90% garden gear.
Likely To Say – “I might need it someday!”

🌼 3. The Flower Snob
Latin Name: Florus Elitus
You know 12 kinds of pink. You exclusively grow heirloom flowers, and you’ve never once said “petunia” without an eye roll. Plant markers are handwritten in copperplate calligraphy and color-coded by bloom time.
Garden Vibe – Magazine cover-worthy.
Secret Weapon – Coordinated bloom schedules.
Likely To Say – “That’s not coral, it’s salmon.”

🥒 4. The Zucchini Vigilante
Latin Name: Cucurbita Surplusius
You strike at night with a basket of squash. Every year you grow too many. Every year you swear you won’t. Every year you sneak them into coworkers’ cars. You have a recipe for zucchini jam that you claim is “shockingly good.”
Garden Vibe – Maximum output. Minimal boundaries.
Secret Weapon – Secret stashes in neighbors’ mailboxes.
Likely To Say – “It’s zucchini bread, you’ll love it.”

🔧 5. The Raised Bed Engineer
Latin Name: Rectangulus Precisius
Has a spreadsheet for their mulch. You use a level, a transit, and a square to install trellises. You can quote the precise cubic footage of your compost bin. Your soil tests have soil tests.
Garden Vibe – NASA meets HGTV.
Secret Weapon – Battery-powered everything.
Likely To Say – “That tomato trellis is load-tested.”

🐝 6. The Pollinator Prophet
Latin Name: Apis Devotus
Your bees have better healthcare than you. You plant milkweed like it’s a public service. You know the Latin name for every local bee. You have a sign in your yard that says “Pollinators Welcome” and you mean it.
Garden Vibe – Buzzing, blooming, a certified habitat.
Secret Weapon – A soapbox and a seed bomb.
Likely To Say – “No pesticides. Not even on aphids.”

🪚 7. The Overbuilder
Latin Name: Structura Addictus
Started with a trellis. Built a barn. You couldn’t find a potting bench you liked, so you built one from scratch and added a sink. You’ve added “sawn cedar aroma” to your list of favorite smells.
Garden Vibe – Pinterest meets woodshop.
Secret Weapon – A jigsaw and questionable free time.
Likely To Say – “Empty space is useless space.”

🌿 8. The Lost Forager
Latin Name: Foragum Confusus
Never remembers what they planted. Your garden grows itself—mostly because you forgot where you put everything. You often mistake mystery plants for weeds and vice versa.
Garden Vibe – Wild, whimsical, possibly feral.
Secret Weapon – Happy accidents.
Likely To Say – “Oh! I thought that was kale.”

🌶️ 9. The Spice Fiend
Latin Name: Capsicum Extremus
Growing peppers for the apocalypse. You collect hot pepper seeds like trading cards. Your dehydrator runs 24/7. Friends are terrified to eat your homemade chili oil but do it anyway.
Garden Vibe – Scoville-scale jungle.
Secret Weapon – Vinegar. And a waiver.
Likely To Say – “This one’s mild. It just blisters your tongue a little.”

🧘‍♀️ 10. The Garden Therapist
Latin Name: Mulchus Meditatus
You don’t garden for food—you garden for feelings. Your favorite tool is a journal. You meditate while pulling weeds. Your garden is equal parts therapy, church, and sanctuary.
Garden Vibe – Serene, soulful, smells like basil and lavender.
Secret Weapon – Deep sighs. Deeper mulch.
Likely To Say – “I’m not crying. That’s just the compost tea.”

So, which gardener are you? Maybe you’re the Zucchini Vigilante with too many squash and not enough shame, or perhaps you’re the Pristine Perfectionist who weeds with tweezers. Either way, gardening is more fun when we laugh at ourselves (and others 😉).

🌱 Know someone who needs this? Share the TSGTT™ with your gardening buddies—because nothing says friendship like diagnosing your friend as a Seedus Excessivus or Rectangulus Precisius. Tag them, tease them, and remember: your garden isn’t messy—it’s just a reflection of your brilliant, chaotic genius.